Dad

Dad passed away on August 22, 2013.  He fought a long battle with Parkingson's and the last couple of years were the hardest.  It was a blessing for Dad but still hard for us.  I was able to be there when Dad passed and thankful to experience that with Kevin and Doreen.   There is so much I want to say about the experience so this will be a floating piece.  I'll add to it multiple times before publishing.

On the funeral day, it was so very hot.  Walking behind Dad's casket was heart breaking for me and I could not stop crying.  I cried as hard as when he actually died, maybe even more.  It was final for me then.  Lunch was much better with no tears.  I felt the blessings of all the love and support from friends and family.  Thankful for that.  Then we got in our cars and headed to Ft Snelling.  That was also hard.  The did 3 gun salute.  I forgot to tell Ella and she was very stressed about the noise.  In hindsight it was funny and I am sure Dad chuckled with Mom in Heaven but at the time I felt bad for me and Ella when she kept saying "are they done yet, please don't do more".  We each put a red rose on Dad's casket at the end of the service.  I was crying again.  Elizabeth asked for the Grandpa flag/banner from the flower arrangement so we took that then. The military at Ft Snelling was amazing and somber.   Then we all changed and went to Kevin's to open the cards.  The love was strong again.  Ella and I went to Meet your teacher and that was great too.  Then we went back to Kevin's.  I was so exhausted by then.  We all then came home and I snapped at the girls.  When I heard the dumb things I was saying I just got quiet.  I figured if I couldn't be parental I needed to be quiet.  When we got home Elizabeth asked if I liked being a mom.  I said Yes, I love it but days like today are tough because I am a daughter too.  I asked why she asked and she said it seems hard somedays.  Yes, it is Elizabeth but I have no regrets in becoming your mom.

A couple of days later Ella said she wished she had a dad so her kids could have a grandfather.  I asked if that meant she wanted me to go on dates and she said no.   :-)

Dad had been on Hospice care for a few months.  They were so great.  Dad was falling more and getting so bruised up.  He just kept trying to do the things he used to.  It was hard watching his battle but it showed the strength he had.  I miss him so much.  I still have thoughts where I think "I'll have to ask Dad about that"  and then I'll remember.

The girls and I went to visit Dad every Sunday.  Most times Dad would be at mass with us but towards the end he stopped.  He just didn't have it in him anymore. 

Kevin, Doreen and I had a meeting with Hospice and they told us it wouldn't be much longer.  The meeting was in August.  It was coming up close to the anniversary of Mom's passing so I wondered if maybe that would be the day.  I was able to work a few days that week but Kevin spent all day with Dad.  I would come and sit with him in the evening.  That first Sunday after the news Jeremy and Lindsay and the boys came to visit.  I had told the girls that Dad was dying but I don't think they understood until they saw Noah and Hunter crying.  So the girls and I went for a walk and found a quiet place to talk about it again. 

I was able to say the things I needed to and Dad was able to say he loved me one more time.  You know - I knew he loved us and it was still good to hear.  One of the hardest days was when Jim came to spend time with Dad.  Dad was still able to talk a little and when it was time for Jim to go the rest of us left the room and when Jim came out my heart broke.   I can't imagine walking away knowing that was going to be the last time you saw your parent alive. 

I am so glad Jim was able to be here to be with Dad and to be with us all.  Dad and Mom built the foundation of this family and Dad kept it strong after Mom died.  The three of us were blessed to have them as our parents. 

As I said, I worked a few days and then I knew it was time to be on leave.   I was able to spend the days with Dad and different family members.  I was also able to give Kevin a bit of a break.  But, he knew he wanted to be by Dad and was there so much.  It was amazing to see the love Kevin had for Dad. He was Dad's protector and main resource for so much at the end.  Dad didn't think I was physically strong enough to help lift him when needed and really counted on Kevin for that.  I did have many hours where it was just me and Dad.  At one point I asked Dad to just listen for Mom's voice because I knew she was calling him home and I said I know you are not used to hearing her but I know she is calling for you and that we will be ok.  We all had said similar things but Dad kept hanging on.

So many people came and sat with Dad - from both sides of the family as well as staff from Marion.   Each of Kevin's boys were able to come at different times to sit as well.  Lee was there multiple times with Michelle his girlfriend and by himself.  It was a full circle moment.  He was supporting his Dad while his Dad was supporting our Dad.  Proud of all my nephews but Lee you showed such grace. 

All of Dad's grandchildren were able to talk with him in person or by phone before he died.  I know Dad took great comfort in that.  He wasn't able to talk much after Sunday but did hang on tight and squeeze our hands.  Kevin had brought in soft music and we had bibles ready to read to Dad.

Father Umburto came and said the rosary one night and that was good.

On the first day I stayed with him all dad, I thought Dad was hanging on until we left because he wanted to be strong to the end.  But I didn't get a call that night so when I was walking to his room that next day I wasn't sure what I would find.  I walked in and heard the rattle from Dad.  He was not breathing much but when he was it was a rattle sound.  Doreen came in and then Kevin.  Doreen was working that morning as best she could - Kevin and I were each sitting on one side of Dad and holding his hand.  Kevin read many passages from the bible and we just breathed in Dad.  About partway through the morning the rattle stopped.  Doreen was with us then too.  We heard a deep cough like sound and that is when the rattle was done.  Dad even sat up a bit and then down.  He was breathing even less than before and at one point Doreen thought he had passed and she ran and got the nurse.  Then Dad breathed again.   On his terms.   Not long after - he did pass away.  Oh that was hard but I feel blessed to have been there with him to send him to Mom. 

After some crying (sobbing) and hugging each other and kissing Dad good bye we made calls.  Kevin and I called Jim and we then called Joanne for Mom's side and Harold for Dad's  The boys all got there before 2:00.   We did the court of honor.  The funeral home came and we left the room.  Kevin asked to help but I didn't feel capable.   They put Dad in his casket and wrapped the blanket on him and we all walked behind the casket to the hearse.  Staff and residents alike were with.  I didn't think my girls would be able to understand all the different processes and emotions and left them at daycare.  At one point Elizabeth called and asked if I could leave early because she wanted to come visit Grandpa.  I told her I was pretty sure I would be leaving early and we could plan.  I didn't say anything more.  On my way home I texted Beth and said I had sad news for the girls and didn't think I could hold in my emotions if I walked into daycare.  She said she would watch for me and send the girls out.  Of course they asked about Grandpa and I did my  best to distract them.  I did tell them when we got home and we all cried.  It was the same night as St Marks Ice cream social and I let Ella decide if we would go or not.  She didn't want to leave home so that is where we stayed.   A bit later we did walk up to DQ and got a treat.  We knew Grandpa loved DQ too so that was a nice way to end the night.