2011
Time to make changes for me
I don't like the way I look or feel.
I don't like spending alot of our family time in the van
I don't like not having fun
I don't have enough time in the week to get ahead of the big list in my head.
I am not enjoying my time at work
I don't like that my dad has Parkingsons
I don't like seeing him decline
I don't like hearing Ella realize her missing tooth makes her feel different.
I don't know how to help her deal with the frustrations of life. Once in a while Angry Ella pops back in. And it makes me wonder. Is there something going on she is feeling anxious about? But once in a while she will overreacte to something I ask her to do. Today it was her homework. I told her she needed to write her numbers better. She cried that she didn't want to live with us anymore. How can a little girl go from loving me to so sad? And just a few minutes later she was hugging me and giving me the Ella love.
Elizabeth is so strong and then once in awhile she turns from me - is it because she is 9 and growing up or is it because I am not meeting her needs?
Reminder to me to pray to God for help and guidance during all this strife in our life
Dear Lord,
Please help me accept your plan for Dad. Please help me to push myself to eat better and lose weight and please help me bring my daughters back home to my heart. I love them and worry they don't know it as well as they should.
Elizabeth and Ella
Thursday, November 23, 2017
Adoption is hard on kids
03 25 2014
Last night Ella and I were reading a book about bugs making a family of their own after their parent's leave. I think its called Dragonflies. Anyway, when we were a few pages in Ella looked at me and said the book was a little emotional. And one tear started. I put the book down and asked Ella if this was bringing up other feelings for her? Yes, missing. Who are you missing? She cried a bit more and then I asked, your birth family? You read my mind Mom. She went on to cry for about 20 or 30 minutes and told me her memories. Everytime she talks about a Mom in China, the mom always has her hair in a pony tail and is wearing a green shirt. This time she added blue pants and said the lady was her birth mom, other times she is her foster mom but the outfit and pony tail never change.
We talked about how adoption is a happy and sad thing at the same time. Happy because we get to be a family but for that to happen, Ella's first (and second) family needed to let her go. Ella was pretty honest last night and I was glad for that. I wish this wasn't sad but it is and I am glad Ella talked about it instead of stuffing it back in. She did say that she had stuffed it back in before but she still is sad. I hope this shows Ella she can talk to me about this. I think she was a little worried that my feelings would be hurt when she admitted she would like to be in China with her birth family. I assured her it didn't hurt my feelings because I know she loves me and she loves her Birth family and she added her Foster family too. We are a forever family and nothing will stop that. But, I do wish we could know her birth and foster families. Ella also said if her birth family had been able to keep her, then she would not have known me and that made her sad too. I tried telling her that she wouldn't have known me either way so it wouldn't have been sad but I understood what she was saying. She is being pulled in directions and I hope she feels a bit better about sharing it with me. I did cry but only because I hurt for Ella, not because I was hurt. I think its important to talk about these feelings and to trust in me to help. I think we did that.
Ella also talked about how China people want boys and that her birth family was maybe poor and couldn't afford the bottles to feed her or already had a daughter and couldn't keep her. To know my girls have these thoughts breaks my hearts for them, but it is their reality and it is better to talk about it with me than to listen to other people that don't know the whole story. As I told Ella, I believe your birth family loves you and loved you then. They tried to keep you but you were so tiny when they left you at the orphanage that it was a good chance they couldn't feed you and wanted you to be healthy. I also tell both my girls that we will never know for sure and I wish we could but I believe they were loved.
Dear Vi
Thank you for all your support when I was thinking of adoption as a way to be a mom.
06/04/2012
Your letter that you wrote to my social worker Laura was amazing. Your support meant the world to me. My Dad also thought the world of you and all the help you gave me at API and after. I will always remember your help in wallpapering my kitchen in my first home after we all were laid off from API. I also remember how you and Mark welcomed Elizabeth into your hearts and home. And then life got crazy for you with your grandchildren and for me with my family.
My prayers are with your family now.
I am sorry we weren't more in touch. I know you were living your dream with your family and I was busy with mine as well. But, I always meant to call you more. I will miss you.
06/04/2012
Your letter that you wrote to my social worker Laura was amazing. Your support meant the world to me. My Dad also thought the world of you and all the help you gave me at API and after. I will always remember your help in wallpapering my kitchen in my first home after we all were laid off from API. I also remember how you and Mark welcomed Elizabeth into your hearts and home. And then life got crazy for you with your grandchildren and for me with my family.
My prayers are with your family now.
I am sorry we weren't more in touch. I know you were living your dream with your family and I was busy with mine as well. But, I always meant to call you more. I will miss you.
The worst feeling in the world
05/29/2012
We went to the lake to hang out with friends on Memorial Day 2012. Everyone was having a great time. The water was great, the sun was nice and the time with friends great too. At one point Elizabeth ran up to me and said she had sand in her mouth. So we stepped behind where I had been sitting to rinse her mouth out. Then I stepped back in front of the chair and looked for Ella. I could not find her. I walked up and down the beach and then had Elizabeth look too. At that point I told the other moms and they looked too. None of us could find her. I went to the bathrooms and looked and called her name. No answer. My stomach was sick. I could not find my baby and I was very scared. I went to the concession stand and asked who could help. She pointed me to the life guards. They got on the speaker right away and called everyone out of the lake and gave instructions on how to look for a missing child in the water. I told them Ella's name and age and what her suit looked like. I almost started bawling right then but didn't. Then I hear my friends yelling.. .she is here... Tracy has her. Thank you God. The lifeguard needed to see Ella so Tracy brought her up. Then they asked me and Ella to a room and I asked Tracy to watch Elizabeth. Ella was so scared. As she was walking up with Tracy the thought going through my head was be calm Joan, don't scare her more. After we talked to the life guard she said we would have to leave. I guess that is standard. They also had called the sheriff and called them back to let them know the all clear but they still came. We were packing up by then and we didn't have to talk to them or the firefighters that came too. Ella told me she couldn't find me and the only time I was away from my spot was when I was helping Elizabeth. I bet Ella walked the other way around the pond/lake and I went the opposite. She was coming from the total opposite side of the lake (it is a small man-made one at Lake Elmo Park reserve) with a young woman I guess. Ella said she was crying looking for me and scared she couldn't find me and this person came up to help her and they went together to another person and they must have walked her around the beach. I think she was already back to Tracy when the loud speaker call went out. It was only about 15 minutes all told but it was the worst 15 minutes ever. To get time to talk to Ella, I decided to let Elizabeth play at the playground for alittle bit. One other friend was there too. Ella and I sat in the shade and told each other how scared we were and how we hope it never happens again. Ella even saw me crying... I was so sad and still am, that my little girl was so scared. but, Ella had a great idea... she thinks parents and kids should have radio controls so we can always find each other. I agree sweet heart and I am so very sorry this happened. Thank you for being so smart to find someone to help you.
Before this happened we were having a great weekend. Normally I would have posted the pictures but I just don't feel right doing that and not posting about this event. I am going to keep this post in a draft form because this is private family stuff.
We went to the lake to hang out with friends on Memorial Day 2012. Everyone was having a great time. The water was great, the sun was nice and the time with friends great too. At one point Elizabeth ran up to me and said she had sand in her mouth. So we stepped behind where I had been sitting to rinse her mouth out. Then I stepped back in front of the chair and looked for Ella. I could not find her. I walked up and down the beach and then had Elizabeth look too. At that point I told the other moms and they looked too. None of us could find her. I went to the bathrooms and looked and called her name. No answer. My stomach was sick. I could not find my baby and I was very scared. I went to the concession stand and asked who could help. She pointed me to the life guards. They got on the speaker right away and called everyone out of the lake and gave instructions on how to look for a missing child in the water. I told them Ella's name and age and what her suit looked like. I almost started bawling right then but didn't. Then I hear my friends yelling.. .she is here... Tracy has her. Thank you God. The lifeguard needed to see Ella so Tracy brought her up. Then they asked me and Ella to a room and I asked Tracy to watch Elizabeth. Ella was so scared. As she was walking up with Tracy the thought going through my head was be calm Joan, don't scare her more. After we talked to the life guard she said we would have to leave. I guess that is standard. They also had called the sheriff and called them back to let them know the all clear but they still came. We were packing up by then and we didn't have to talk to them or the firefighters that came too. Ella told me she couldn't find me and the only time I was away from my spot was when I was helping Elizabeth. I bet Ella walked the other way around the pond/lake and I went the opposite. She was coming from the total opposite side of the lake (it is a small man-made one at Lake Elmo Park reserve) with a young woman I guess. Ella said she was crying looking for me and scared she couldn't find me and this person came up to help her and they went together to another person and they must have walked her around the beach. I think she was already back to Tracy when the loud speaker call went out. It was only about 15 minutes all told but it was the worst 15 minutes ever. To get time to talk to Ella, I decided to let Elizabeth play at the playground for alittle bit. One other friend was there too. Ella and I sat in the shade and told each other how scared we were and how we hope it never happens again. Ella even saw me crying... I was so sad and still am, that my little girl was so scared. but, Ella had a great idea... she thinks parents and kids should have radio controls so we can always find each other. I agree sweet heart and I am so very sorry this happened. Thank you for being so smart to find someone to help you.
Before this happened we were having a great weekend. Normally I would have posted the pictures but I just don't feel right doing that and not posting about this event. I am going to keep this post in a draft form because this is private family stuff.
Mother's Day
05/04/2012
Yesterday was a Mother's Day that had highs and lows.
Woke to Ella not being able to find where she hid my present from her. I helped her find it. It was a container with her favorite treats in it for me. What a sweetheart - warmed my heart.
Elizabeth gave me a card that made me almost cry. It's a keeper for sure.
We met the family at mass with Dad and had a good time hanging out.
Then we went to National Cemetary. Elizabeth and Ella have been asking to see where my Mom is buried and they asked again on Sunday, so we went there after church. It was a nice moment but of course I cried. I also explained that I almost always cry when I go to see my Mom. Elizabeth asked if she could sit on the headstone because that will feel like sitting in Grandma's lap. Ella gave the headstone a hug too. The sweetness of children. We had some nice discussions while there as well.
On the way home, we stopped and got new flowers to plant in our yard and hang from hanging baskets.
Then we went to a late lunch and got a few groceries and filled up the car with gas.
I tried to take a nap while they watched a little TV but it didn't work out. I think our visit to the cemetary brought out alot of stuff for my girls. Elizabeth came down to the living room and looked so sad. So we talked about the Moms she is missing on this special day and we hugged each other.
Then that night while we were watching Survivor, Ella got sad because the Aisan woman was voted out. She said she looked like her birth mom. She also was sad because she missed her other Moms too. We talked more about missing Moms and how that feeling is ok even though there is nothing we can do to change it. Kind of like me missing my Mom. Ella replied But it is different Mom, you weren't adopted. So, the feelings are bubbling up for us all.
Elizabeth and Ella - I love you and I will always be here for you to talk to about anything and everything.
Mom - I miss you so much. Like the girls said yesterday - I wish you were still with us. Love you Mom!
Yesterday was a Mother's Day that had highs and lows.
Woke to Ella not being able to find where she hid my present from her. I helped her find it. It was a container with her favorite treats in it for me. What a sweetheart - warmed my heart.
Elizabeth gave me a card that made me almost cry. It's a keeper for sure.
We met the family at mass with Dad and had a good time hanging out.
Then we went to National Cemetary. Elizabeth and Ella have been asking to see where my Mom is buried and they asked again on Sunday, so we went there after church. It was a nice moment but of course I cried. I also explained that I almost always cry when I go to see my Mom. Elizabeth asked if she could sit on the headstone because that will feel like sitting in Grandma's lap. Ella gave the headstone a hug too. The sweetness of children. We had some nice discussions while there as well.
On the way home, we stopped and got new flowers to plant in our yard and hang from hanging baskets.
Then we went to a late lunch and got a few groceries and filled up the car with gas.
I tried to take a nap while they watched a little TV but it didn't work out. I think our visit to the cemetary brought out alot of stuff for my girls. Elizabeth came down to the living room and looked so sad. So we talked about the Moms she is missing on this special day and we hugged each other.
Then that night while we were watching Survivor, Ella got sad because the Aisan woman was voted out. She said she looked like her birth mom. She also was sad because she missed her other Moms too. We talked more about missing Moms and how that feeling is ok even though there is nothing we can do to change it. Kind of like me missing my Mom. Ella replied But it is different Mom, you weren't adopted. So, the feelings are bubbling up for us all.
Elizabeth and Ella - I love you and I will always be here for you to talk to about anything and everything.
Mom - I miss you so much. Like the girls said yesterday - I wish you were still with us. Love you Mom!
Melancholy
07/28/2011
I am feeling a little sad today. A better word is melancholy. I have been reading about a Mom who is in China adopting her youngest with her oldest son with her. Her new daughter is really sad and scared. Today in the post, the Mom said her daughter is making baby steps to feeling safe and that she can't wait to hear her sweet little voice for the first time. This is day 4 but I was humbled by this Mom's ability to wait. The grace in that made me wish I had some of that strength when I adopted Ella. Ella's grief was hard for me to handle at times. Thankfully Joanne was there to help me and sometimes Ella liked Joanne more than me and that made me sad too. I wish I had remembered that it was not about me more often and that I had the grace to let Ella know she could be who she was and I would love her anyway. I know I did the best I could for Ella and I still do that for my girls, but wish I had dug deeper when it got really hard. And that makes me sad. And I wonder what memories sweet Ella has. Last night she told me that when I tell the story about her running away from me when she first saw me embarrasses her. I thought it was a cute funny moment but right now it bothers Ella. So I will wait to mention it again until she feels better able to hear it. I love you Ella.
I am feeling a little sad today. A better word is melancholy. I have been reading about a Mom who is in China adopting her youngest with her oldest son with her. Her new daughter is really sad and scared. Today in the post, the Mom said her daughter is making baby steps to feeling safe and that she can't wait to hear her sweet little voice for the first time. This is day 4 but I was humbled by this Mom's ability to wait. The grace in that made me wish I had some of that strength when I adopted Ella. Ella's grief was hard for me to handle at times. Thankfully Joanne was there to help me and sometimes Ella liked Joanne more than me and that made me sad too. I wish I had remembered that it was not about me more often and that I had the grace to let Ella know she could be who she was and I would love her anyway. I know I did the best I could for Ella and I still do that for my girls, but wish I had dug deeper when it got really hard. And that makes me sad. And I wonder what memories sweet Ella has. Last night she told me that when I tell the story about her running away from me when she first saw me embarrasses her. I thought it was a cute funny moment but right now it bothers Ella. So I will wait to mention it again until she feels better able to hear it. I love you Ella.
Nicholas.
12/9/2010
Elizabeth told me an interesting update regarding a boy at school.
Last night we skipped Faith Formation. We needed some fun family time. So we went out to eat at Rosedale, stopped at the Hello Kitty store for an early Xmas present (new water bottles for school use) and then home. We did homework and then baths. During bath time Elizabeth told me she is in love. She said “I am still in love with Nicholas Mom” And then told me and Ella that we couldn’t tell Uncle because he would tease Elizabeth. So – this post will be in a draft form until right before I create the book version.
Elizabeth went on to tell me that Nicholas said he was going to marry her and that she was the last one he asked so it will be her. I asked her how many girls Nicholas is talking to and she named 3 of her friends but then said he told her she was the last. But he also said he had a crush on a teenager. At least he is honest. LOL Nicholas is a cutie. He just had surgery for his cleft lip – a bone graft.
It was a nice moment sharing with Elizabeth. I hope she always tells me about the boys she loves.
Elizabeth told me an interesting update regarding a boy at school.
Last night we skipped Faith Formation. We needed some fun family time. So we went out to eat at Rosedale, stopped at the Hello Kitty store for an early Xmas present (new water bottles for school use) and then home. We did homework and then baths. During bath time Elizabeth told me she is in love. She said “I am still in love with Nicholas Mom” And then told me and Ella that we couldn’t tell Uncle because he would tease Elizabeth. So – this post will be in a draft form until right before I create the book version.
Elizabeth went on to tell me that Nicholas said he was going to marry her and that she was the last one he asked so it will be her. I asked her how many girls Nicholas is talking to and she named 3 of her friends but then said he told her she was the last. But he also said he had a crush on a teenager. At least he is honest. LOL Nicholas is a cutie. He just had surgery for his cleft lip – a bone graft.
It was a nice moment sharing with Elizabeth. I hope she always tells me about the boys she loves.