Adoption is hard on kids

03 25 2014

Last night Ella and I were reading a book about bugs making a family of their own after their parent's leave.  I think its called Dragonflies.  Anyway, when we were a few pages in Ella looked at me and said the book was a little emotional.  And one tear started.   I put the book down and asked Ella if this was bringing up other feelings for her?  Yes, missing.  Who are you missing?  She cried a bit more and then I asked, your birth family?  You read my mind Mom.   She went on to cry for about 20 or 30 minutes and told me her memories.  Everytime she talks about a Mom in China, the mom always has her hair in a pony tail and is wearing a green shirt.  This time she added blue pants and said the lady was her birth mom, other times she is her foster mom but the outfit and pony tail never change.  

We talked about how adoption is a happy and sad thing at the same time.  Happy because we get to be a family but for that to happen, Ella's first (and second) family needed to let her go.   Ella was pretty honest last night and I was glad for that.  I wish this wasn't sad but it is and I am glad Ella talked about it instead of stuffing it back in.  She did say that she had stuffed it back in before but she still is sad.  I hope this shows Ella she can talk to me about this.  I think she was a little worried that my feelings would be hurt when she admitted she would like to be in China with her birth family.   I assured her it didn't hurt my feelings because I know she loves me and she loves her Birth family and she added her Foster family too.  We are a forever family and nothing will stop that.   But, I do wish we could know her birth and foster families.   Ella also said if her birth family had been able to keep her, then she would not have known me and that made her sad too.  I tried telling her that she wouldn't have known me either way so it wouldn't have been sad but I understood what she was saying.  She is being pulled in directions and I hope she feels a bit better about sharing it with me.  I did cry but only because I hurt for Ella, not because I was hurt.  I think its important to talk about these feelings and to trust in me to help.  I think we did that.  

Ella also talked about how China people want boys and that her birth family was maybe poor and couldn't afford the bottles to feed her or already had a daughter and couldn't keep her.  To know my girls have these thoughts breaks my hearts for them, but it is their reality and it is better to talk about it with me than to listen to other people that don't know the whole story.   As I told Ella, I believe your birth family loves you and loved you then.  They tried to keep you but you were so tiny when they left you at the orphanage that it was a good chance they couldn't feed you and wanted you to be healthy.  I also tell both my girls that we will never know for sure and I wish we could but I believe they were loved.