Melancholy

07/28/2011

I am feeling a little sad today.  A better word is melancholy.  I have been reading about a Mom who is in China adopting her youngest with her oldest son with her.  Her new daughter is really sad and scared.  Today in the post, the Mom said her daughter is making baby steps to feeling safe and that she can't wait to hear her sweet little voice for the first time.  This is day 4 but I was humbled by this Mom's ability to wait.  The grace in that made me wish I had some of that strength when I adopted Ella.  Ella's grief was hard for me to handle at times.  Thankfully Joanne was there to help me and sometimes Ella liked Joanne more than me and that made me sad too.  I wish I had remembered that it was not about me more often and that I had the grace to let Ella know she could be who she was and I would love her anyway.  I know I did the best I could for Ella and I still do that for my girls, but wish I had dug deeper when it got really hard. And that makes me sad.  And I wonder what memories sweet  Ella has.  Last night she told me that when I tell the story about her running away from me when she first saw me embarrasses her.  I thought it was a cute funny moment but right now it bothers Ella.  So I will wait to mention it again until she feels better able to hear it.  I love you Ella.